Letter to a Lost Love

*****,

I would ask how you were but it would be false courtesy. There aren’t many things I have decided to get closure on before going off to college in August. I’m not going to tell you where I’m going mainly because I want this to be the last correspondence I ever have with you. You’re probably wondering what exactly I am talking about and that shouldn’t surprise me seeing how this letter is really a service to myself rather than a note to you. Let me explain.

First, thank you for your friendship – if you could call it that – two years ago. It got me through the worst year of my entire life. I was extremely depressed and I foolishly completely depended on you to fix that. So, thank you for letting me depend on you whether you knew it or not. I would hate to end this letter with you thinking you did everything wrong.

Second, I need to get something straight. You ending your correspondence with me killed me. I was very attached to you. Not to be creepy or awkward – I mean this was two years ago – but you were extremely important to me and I regret ever making that explicitly known to you. You were the first guy who actually got me as a person and – I thought – appreciated me as much as I appreciated you. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what or who you are now, but I just want you to know that when you just didn’t text me back that one day in July or whenever it was that summer, I never forgot. I don’t know if you forgot, lost my number, was disgusted by me, or whatever else, but I have never stopped thinking about why.

Not you, just why you never texted or messaged me or anything. I really needed your friendship desperately, and I have always wondered why you didn’t text me back. I know, you’re probably reading this thinking I am an obsessed psychopath, and I can say with almost 100% certainty that I am not. I am perfectly happy with my life right now, I’m just one of those people who needs answers and I really don’t need an answer from you as much as I just want you to know. I needed your friendship. I know you’re a guy and you probably don’t care what some random, average, Memphian you saw twice thinks of you and, honestly, you shouldn’t care. I don’t want you to care about what I’m saying. Like I said at the beginning, this letter is for my benefit. I just want to know in the back of my mind that you read this and know how I’ve felt and how many wasted thoughts I’ve had on this one problem that I’m sure was due to something stupid.

I would have loved to forget. I would have loved to move on, but for some reason, you had such a drastic affect on me, I haven’t been able to. I haven’t dated anyone since. I haven’t had any flings or anything because on the edge of my thoughts, this hasn’t ended – even though it obviously has. And I’m not talking about our “relationship” as much as the oddity of it ending and the reason. I have been constantly plagued with the internal monologue of “what did I do?” “could I have fixed this?” and so many other thoughts. I cannot get over you, and I’m sure you absolutely love hearing that a girl you probably haven’t thought about for two years has had this creepy obsession with you, but let me explain.

I am not obsessed with you. I really don’t care about you, outside of caring for people in general. The only reason you ever cross my mind is because of the way things ended between us. I am very interested to see how your life is just because I feel like I knew so much about your life. But I don’t want you to think I’m still attracted to you or anything because I am not. I just needed to let you know. I deleted your number, unfriended you on facebook, deleted your contact on Skype. I purged you from my entire world trying to get the thoughts of the end out of my head and nothing worked. This letter is my final purge, and it had better work because after this I’m done. I won’t come find you. I won’t let you talk to me if I ever do find you. If you try to contact me, I most like will not respond. I am not trying to be rude or mean or hateful. Its just that once I have finally gotten all of you away from me, I don’t want you back. Someone else deserves your thoughts and attention. I don’t want you to think about this letter. If you’re actually still reading this far, I’ll be amazed. I just wanted you to know that I hadn’t simply forgotten. I’m not trying to teach you a lesson or even tell you to do anything.

I just wanted the last word.